Dollylady's Blog

Men or boys, boys or men; wouldnt it be better to have both at the same time?

So I met this boy who processes a man’s body but a boy’s innocence. Big Afro hair, perfectly tanned complexion, his lean built could hardly hide his muscular arbs.

The smile of his testosterone is not as threatening, his every expression more genuine.

I imagine the life we would have had… A little cottage in the deep mountain or a beach house in Maldives… He writes his film script, I paint my landscapes and design new looks.

I am always in his vest or most of time nothing at all. I sit naked on top on his guitar, we make love tirelessly, slowly and intensely, listening 80’s indie rock tune, as if that is the only past-time…

In the summer time, I dress in Versace bodycons; Erdem for spring; Chanel for winter; and Alexandra McQueen for my birth season.

An ideal life… For the wild little girl residing inside me…

Booked my flight today, cancelled all my direct debit! Honestly, I felt relieved and happy.

Life has not felt this way for so long. All of a sudden, everything is filled with color again. I picked up drawing after years. The simple pleasure of seeing beauty though my eyes fills my heart.

I am grateful for the tough lesson through the hardships I endured. I can honestly say I came out so much stronger.

Knowing what I want and who I am has never been so achievable. I will follow the guidance till I am ready to enjoy the fruitful outcome you grant me at the end.

You always sat at the back, wearing a white cap. I wonder since when I started to notice you, since when I wished you could have noticed.

That time, you brought all your boys to our practice room, I heard you were talking to them about me, how you adored the wavy hair I had then, how I always looked so sweet and innocent.

The first time, you talked to me, I couldn’t hide the flush on my cheek, how did I manage to carry on the conversation.

You started using msn because you heard I was on it. I jokingly asked you whether there was a girl you fancied. You made me to guess every single other girl in the course. I was so scared you would have said yes to one of them, but no you didn’t, you waited until the end.

The feeling of over-the-moon, have you ever experienced it? I could hardly stop smiling for days.

The first time I went to your room with my girlfriends. I wanted to impress you so bad, I wanted to become your girl.

You kept a diary about us from the first day we started. You called me an angel, you thought you were in heaven.

When you heard about the family problem my friend had, you made an effort to buy a telephone card for her to phone home. Did you know how jealous I felt?

I had crazy fever that night, I disturbed you till 7 in the morning, you did not complain for a second.

Every time I got drunk, you stayed by the bed side, massaging my back, tirelessly for hours, so I wouldn’t choke in my sleep.

You always slept on the floor next to our single bed, we held hands till I fell asleep.

Every time, when you come back from visiting home, you’d bring all the food I liked and left out anything you liked.

We always ordered two dishes, you have 3 portions and I have 1.

When I threw up, you always patted my back with cold water.

You always lifted me on your shoulder with one hand.

After a day of traveling, you stayed up and wash off the dirty clothes before joining me on the warm bed.

You edited the first class photo we took, so I appeared pretty in it.

…

To think that everything was just part of a massive lie, it surely hurts like hell. But I don’t have the luxury of turning back time, so we are stuck at the prison of the present time.

This is the last post on you. I felt sad to think of you, not because of the pain of losing you, but the self-loath of not being able to see the truth.

This is truly the end.